Thursday, March 15, 2007

what artist can't do....

this is my list of things, so far, that serious artists can NOT do.

Please feel free to add to it in the comments so that it can grow and prosper like poison ivy.

1. Artists can not look at the art-work at an opening reception. Openings are for conducting business, networking, clowning (if it's SERIOUS clowning).

2. Talk in any way that is personal, about your personal problems or your personality (unless it is fictional) or in a way that might lead others to believe that you are human and not a "business machine." Artist should try to remember that they are always conducting a public relations campaign, that should be designed to promote the work, not any old vision of humanity or something communist like that.

3. Artists must not operate in any way that might lead one to believe that they seek in any way to actually threaten the understandings of art that our great leaders from Brown and Yale and CIT and similar esteemed programs have deemed TRUE.

4. Amongst all that truth is the "relativism of truth" which we must accept as true and not question. Therefore, an artist can have opinions but a serious artist must only express such opinions if s/he is in the company of lesser artists and in such a setting where the expression of said opinion will serve the purpose of furthering the Public Relations aims of the same serious artist. All other opinions are valid, but vapid, unless published.

5. Painting can be undertaken but only after memorizing the entirety of the October Magazine pantheon, pretending to both dismiss it entirely and understand it totally. Any attempts at feeling the subject of the painting will only be discussed with fattish art-girls.

6. Feeling anything is un-acceptable, unless part of a performance about numb-ness.


  1. A serious artist must also insist that speaking to "un-represented" artists is limited to one on one encounters on streets which diverge far from visibility. Even this is only acceptable if the encounter is with a former peer from art school.

  2. A serious artist must also find art world humor - humorous. Particularly humor that does not resemble humor. This is a clear indicator of a humorous intelligence.

  3. a serious artist wants to be different like everyone else. It's not about following trends. It's about following the right trends.

    Serious artists must never admit their loathing of most art theory.

    A serious artist must always be able to defend every choice in every work. "I don't have a clue as to why i made that pink" is completely unacceptable, no matter how perfect a choice the use of pink actually was. Art is a science after all. Any miscalculated steps or acts of randomness or gut intuitions, are completey unacceptable based on the damage they might incur to the whole of art. You must always KNOW what you are doing. And be able to explain every choice. If you don't, you will be considered a fraud, and all of your work, no matter how beautiful, will be cast out.

    Spend one hour a day pretending to know what you are talking about. This will help. Perhaps write a blog.

    A serious artist sacrifices who they are for who everyone wants them to be. (SEE: Richter.) It's not about you, asshole. Just give us the work and go back to your studio.

    A serious artist knows it's not about concepts, it's about branding. (SEE: Barney)

  4. Well, look who's being cynical now!

  5. On the contrary, this public artist information service is brought to you with the utmost sincerity.